Get ready to share Top 30 Funny Happy New Year Jokes 2019 with your friends and family on the happy occasion of Happy New Year 2019. Enjoy the New Year 2019 Jokes and Funny New Year One Liners 2019. Have a look at these Funny New Year Jokes 2019 and New Year’s Eve One-Liners and share with others and update your social media accounts.
Top 30 Funny Happy New Year Jokes 2019:
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
– Joseph Connolly
My new year’s resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
– Greg Tamblyn
My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
– Melanie White
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
– Joey Adams
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. By Oscar Wilde
New Year Jokes Quotes 2019
Attainable New Year’s Resolutions
This year, I resolve to…
– Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
– Stop exercising. Waste of time.
– Read less. Makes you think.
– Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
– Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
– Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
– Not have eight children at once.
– Get in a whole NEW rut!
– Start being superstitious.
– Personal goal: bring back disco.
– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
– Not eat cloned meat.
– Create loose ends.
– Get more toys.
– Get further in debt.
– Not believe politicians.
– Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
– Stay off the International Space Station.
– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
– Associate with even worse business clients.
– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
– Wait around for opportunity.
– Focus on the faults of others.
– Mope about my faults.
– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.
This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.
– Melanie White
New Year Eve Short Jokes 2019
What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?
Youth is When You’re Allowed to Stay Up For New Years
Middle age is when you’re forced to.
New Year’s Resolutions by Fido
I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents house. You’d think after 49 years he’d try another one.
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
He gave up thinking.
What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve?
I haven’t seen you for a year!
“Out with the old, in with the new” is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.
– Andy Borowitz
What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops?
Justin Bieber gets jealous.
My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
– Greg Tamblyn
What Did the Chef Make For His New Years Dinner?
New Years Filet
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?
He got 12 months!
It’s officially New Year’s Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year
New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
New Year’s Eve Jokes 2019
I guess the Mayans are wondering what all the excitement is about.
I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
– John Lyon
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
Funny Happy New Year One Liners 2019:
You don’t have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event.
To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they’d get a Bloody Mary.
My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Year’s Eve. Dignity is not one of them.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2018 and a beautiful beginning into 2019.
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.